News Anchor: Business on Top, Beach on the Bottom!

Good evening, West Virginia! Or is it good morning? Who knows! The time is irrelevant when you're caught in the shimmering, sweaty glow of broadcast journalism!

See, I remember back in the wild, woolly days at Marshall University—go Herd! We had this little college TV station, and that, my friends, is where the magnificent, beautiful lie of television is truly born. We were doing a live broadcast one night, the big student news show. Up on the anchor desk, you have the aspiring Cronkite—all serious tie, pressed shirt, hair shellacked tighter than a vintage G.I. Joe. [Fast, serious voice] "And now, to the escalating tensions in the quadrangle over the lack of decent pizza options!"

But let me tell you what was happening below the desk! [Whispering conspiratorially] The man was wearing SHORTS!

Not nice golf shorts. We’re talking cargo shorts. Maybe board shorts! The kind with little surfing monkeys on them!

The studio, you see, is a tropical rainforest of heat. Those monster lights are beating down, turning your brain into a hard-boiled egg. So, the production crew blasts the A/C—it's like an arctic wind tunnel down by your ankles! Up top, he’s radiating gravitas, melting under the lights. Down below, he’s giving his knees freezer burn. He’s a magnificent, absurd human temperature gradient!
It's the industry in a nutshell! It's all about the illusion of control. We had to keep a "cool atmosphere," they said. We had to be professional! [Slamming a hand down slightly] But you flip the camera down a foot, and suddenly, it's spring break in Fort Lauderdale! The anchor is literally in two different worlds!

It’s the secret truth of TV: The biggest stories in the world are brought to you by a half-dressed maniac trying not to sweat through his shirt while his shins turn blue. O Captain! My Captain! His calves are naked!

And they say journalism is dead! I say look under the desk! Look for the shorts! It's a relaxed vibe, all right. Relaxed like a man who forgot his pants but has a deadline! Mmmkay? Thank you! You've been a great audience! Try the veal! Tip your waiters! Don't wear pants! Woohoo!